What's Holding You Back?

FEAR!

There, I said it.  I put it out there first and foremost.  It is fear of the unknown that keeps most of us in place.  It is fear of what others will say.  It is fear of looking around and finding ourselves alone.  It is the fear that in the end, we will give it our best shot and we will end up being laughed at, and alone.

Do you know how many people are doing things they don't want to do, every day?  Are you?  Think about it.  How many times during the day do you say to yourself, "I don't really want to do that, BUT....I have to, I need to, I'm obligated to, I made a promise, I'm responsible for, they'll think I'm stupid, he/she won't like me..." and the list goes on.  I'm not immune.  I've done this myself.  But why?  What sense of commitment to something other than our self, our true self, is driving our actions, like a little devil on our shoulder prompting us to do things that we don't want to do?  Where did it start?  Why?  May be it matters, but may be it just doesn't.

A number of years ago, Oprah published a little booklet along with her magazine.  At that time, it was the best of, "What I Know For Sure".  One of the segments mentions how Oprah was overwhelmed and over committed and a friend said to her, "Then change it."  Of course, the sense of ego and obligation spoke first, arguing that this couldn't be done.  To which the friend answered, "If you can't change it, then who can?"

Are you responsible to yourself?  To making yourself happy?  We look around and often label those who are as selfish, self absorbed, even narcissistic.  We judge and criticize.  We find fault.  Why?  Is it because we don't have the nerve to do it ourselves?  Is it because we want them to fit our image or our mold for what we think is good and the way to live our life?  Probably.  We often criticize what we don't know, what we don't understand.  We are often small minded, trying to recreate the world as we think it should be. 

Two days ago, I went through skin cancer surgery on my face.  I went into it blind, not realizing the impact it would have on how I look.  Probably not the best move I've ever made, but that's how it was.  The first day, I was devastated.  Having left a long relationship that was both physically and mentally abusive in the past year, I dream of having a relationship with someone that is...what I think relationships should be.  Initially, I was sure that this surgery would stop that from ever happening. 

By day two, I was over my self pity and explained to a friend and colleague that I thought the surgery and the scar would be liberating.  That anyone would have to like me, for me, and not care about the scar that will result.  What is liberating can also become a wall that I hide behind though.  I have to make sure that I don't use it as an excuse..."he/she just didn't like the way I look, the fact that my face is scarred."

But in response to my comment, my friend looked straight into my eyes and said, "I would think that at this point in your life, you should be concerned about your career and your security (trying to save for retirement."  Talk about a slap in the face.  Talk about opening my eyes! 

I wasn't offended by her comment.  In fact, I knew that she was not judging me.  But as I quietly agreed with her, I realized what that quiet voice was saying, and realized that it was a lie.  That my inability to speak my truth, in the face of those who see life differently, that is what's holding me back.

I have gone through the past 30 years moving my career forward by looking for opportunities and trying the next best thing that might move me forward.  What I find as a result is that I'm now 30 years away from the place that I ever wanted to be.  I'm not saying that it was all bad.  But I've taken more steps forward for the right reason, and then fell back in place because the pressure around me was so intense and I did not stand up to it.

Her comment made me realize that she doesn't really know who I am.  May be that is why I long for connection.  If I've only tried to echo what surrounds me, then I'm not using my voice, to accept what might be echoed back.

So, what's holding me back?  May be its the same thing that's you back?  May be its time to jump in and trust that I know how to swim...because I'm tired treading water, and it surely isn't getting me where I want to be.