Who said that? I did!
I think it's time to realize the untapped power within!
Saturday, June 28, 2014
I love this space
I put so much work into creating this....and then, I abandoned it...or saved it. I look here now, and it's like a treasure box of old friends and thoughts. Did I think that? Wow! How cool....lol! I think that we, or at least I, don't often give ourselves credit for the things we think and the things we say. They can sometimes be pretty damn profound.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Honor Their Voices
Who are the they? Oh you know who they are. They are your mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, loved ones, and yes, your enemies. They are anyone who isn't you.
Why do we think that we have to solve things? Solve the problem? Make it better? Make it right? We don't, you know. Sometimes, our "others" just need an ear to listen to them. And the bad part is, sometimes they don't even know it.
Is this scenario familiar? A friend comes to your door, pained expression on his/her face, just dying to talk. They want to spill their literal bowels all over your desk, chair, kitchen counter...and if you are anything like me, we usually let them. After all, I'm not uncaring or heartless and I'm willing to bet, neither are you!
But if you are listening, I mean really listening...not the times when you nod your head and say "uh-huh" and "oh no!" at the appropriate points where they breathe, but really give them your attention and listen. Well, are you? Really?
Most of us hear the first 2 minutes and begin to formulate a plan, a response, to take their pain away. We want to give some kind words and a strategy that will help them relieve what ails them. We are no more comfortable with their pain then we are our own.
But did you ever stop to really hear what they are saying? Did you ask them about their pain? Did you honor their voice? Or instead, did you listen to it through the filter of your own? Judging their pain by how you would feel in the situation.
I went through the death of my mother, caring for her in the last weeks, and yet when a friend went through a similar situation, I could only visit it from the filter that had been my experience. I didn't stop to listen to her and honor her voice, her story at all.
I go through my life saying that I am SO busy...and I am, but then I also complain about the lack of connections that I feel with my friends, my loved ones. If I think about it, it isn't any wonder. I usually never slow down enough to honor their voices, quiet mine, and be their for them. Honoring the voice of another makes us insignificant. It makes us invisible. And yet, it gives us the ultimate power of being their to support and connect, when and where others need it most, on their terms, through their voice.
Why do we think that we have to solve things? Solve the problem? Make it better? Make it right? We don't, you know. Sometimes, our "others" just need an ear to listen to them. And the bad part is, sometimes they don't even know it.
Is this scenario familiar? A friend comes to your door, pained expression on his/her face, just dying to talk. They want to spill their literal bowels all over your desk, chair, kitchen counter...and if you are anything like me, we usually let them. After all, I'm not uncaring or heartless and I'm willing to bet, neither are you!
But if you are listening, I mean really listening...not the times when you nod your head and say "uh-huh" and "oh no!" at the appropriate points where they breathe, but really give them your attention and listen. Well, are you? Really?
Most of us hear the first 2 minutes and begin to formulate a plan, a response, to take their pain away. We want to give some kind words and a strategy that will help them relieve what ails them. We are no more comfortable with their pain then we are our own.
But did you ever stop to really hear what they are saying? Did you ask them about their pain? Did you honor their voice? Or instead, did you listen to it through the filter of your own? Judging their pain by how you would feel in the situation.
I went through the death of my mother, caring for her in the last weeks, and yet when a friend went through a similar situation, I could only visit it from the filter that had been my experience. I didn't stop to listen to her and honor her voice, her story at all.
I go through my life saying that I am SO busy...and I am, but then I also complain about the lack of connections that I feel with my friends, my loved ones. If I think about it, it isn't any wonder. I usually never slow down enough to honor their voices, quiet mine, and be their for them. Honoring the voice of another makes us insignificant. It makes us invisible. And yet, it gives us the ultimate power of being their to support and connect, when and where others need it most, on their terms, through their voice.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
What's Holding You Back?
FEAR!
There, I said it. I put it out there first and foremost. It is fear of the unknown that keeps most of us in place. It is fear of what others will say. It is fear of looking around and finding ourselves alone. It is the fear that in the end, we will give it our best shot and we will end up being laughed at, and alone.
Do you know how many people are doing things they don't want to do, every day? Are you? Think about it. How many times during the day do you say to yourself, "I don't really want to do that, BUT....I have to, I need to, I'm obligated to, I made a promise, I'm responsible for, they'll think I'm stupid, he/she won't like me..." and the list goes on. I'm not immune. I've done this myself. But why? What sense of commitment to something other than our self, our true self, is driving our actions, like a little devil on our shoulder prompting us to do things that we don't want to do? Where did it start? Why? May be it matters, but may be it just doesn't.
A number of years ago, Oprah published a little booklet along with her magazine. At that time, it was the best of, "What I Know For Sure". One of the segments mentions how Oprah was overwhelmed and over committed and a friend said to her, "Then change it." Of course, the sense of ego and obligation spoke first, arguing that this couldn't be done. To which the friend answered, "If you can't change it, then who can?"
Are you responsible to yourself? To making yourself happy? We look around and often label those who are as selfish, self absorbed, even narcissistic. We judge and criticize. We find fault. Why? Is it because we don't have the nerve to do it ourselves? Is it because we want them to fit our image or our mold for what we think is good and the way to live our life? Probably. We often criticize what we don't know, what we don't understand. We are often small minded, trying to recreate the world as we think it should be.
Two days ago, I went through skin cancer surgery on my face. I went into it blind, not realizing the impact it would have on how I look. Probably not the best move I've ever made, but that's how it was. The first day, I was devastated. Having left a long relationship that was both physically and mentally abusive in the past year, I dream of having a relationship with someone that is...what I think relationships should be. Initially, I was sure that this surgery would stop that from ever happening.
By day two, I was over my self pity and explained to a friend and colleague that I thought the surgery and the scar would be liberating. That anyone would have to like me, for me, and not care about the scar that will result. What is liberating can also become a wall that I hide behind though. I have to make sure that I don't use it as an excuse..."he/she just didn't like the way I look, the fact that my face is scarred."
But in response to my comment, my friend looked straight into my eyes and said, "I would think that at this point in your life, you should be concerned about your career and your security (trying to save for retirement." Talk about a slap in the face. Talk about opening my eyes!
I wasn't offended by her comment. In fact, I knew that she was not judging me. But as I quietly agreed with her, I realized what that quiet voice was saying, and realized that it was a lie. That my inability to speak my truth, in the face of those who see life differently, that is what's holding me back.
I have gone through the past 30 years moving my career forward by looking for opportunities and trying the next best thing that might move me forward. What I find as a result is that I'm now 30 years away from the place that I ever wanted to be. I'm not saying that it was all bad. But I've taken more steps forward for the right reason, and then fell back in place because the pressure around me was so intense and I did not stand up to it.
Her comment made me realize that she doesn't really know who I am. May be that is why I long for connection. If I've only tried to echo what surrounds me, then I'm not using my voice, to accept what might be echoed back.
So, what's holding me back? May be its the same thing that's you back? May be its time to jump in and trust that I know how to swim...because I'm tired treading water, and it surely isn't getting me where I want to be.
There, I said it. I put it out there first and foremost. It is fear of the unknown that keeps most of us in place. It is fear of what others will say. It is fear of looking around and finding ourselves alone. It is the fear that in the end, we will give it our best shot and we will end up being laughed at, and alone.
Do you know how many people are doing things they don't want to do, every day? Are you? Think about it. How many times during the day do you say to yourself, "I don't really want to do that, BUT....I have to, I need to, I'm obligated to, I made a promise, I'm responsible for, they'll think I'm stupid, he/she won't like me..." and the list goes on. I'm not immune. I've done this myself. But why? What sense of commitment to something other than our self, our true self, is driving our actions, like a little devil on our shoulder prompting us to do things that we don't want to do? Where did it start? Why? May be it matters, but may be it just doesn't.
A number of years ago, Oprah published a little booklet along with her magazine. At that time, it was the best of, "What I Know For Sure". One of the segments mentions how Oprah was overwhelmed and over committed and a friend said to her, "Then change it." Of course, the sense of ego and obligation spoke first, arguing that this couldn't be done. To which the friend answered, "If you can't change it, then who can?"
Are you responsible to yourself? To making yourself happy? We look around and often label those who are as selfish, self absorbed, even narcissistic. We judge and criticize. We find fault. Why? Is it because we don't have the nerve to do it ourselves? Is it because we want them to fit our image or our mold for what we think is good and the way to live our life? Probably. We often criticize what we don't know, what we don't understand. We are often small minded, trying to recreate the world as we think it should be.
Two days ago, I went through skin cancer surgery on my face. I went into it blind, not realizing the impact it would have on how I look. Probably not the best move I've ever made, but that's how it was. The first day, I was devastated. Having left a long relationship that was both physically and mentally abusive in the past year, I dream of having a relationship with someone that is...what I think relationships should be. Initially, I was sure that this surgery would stop that from ever happening.
By day two, I was over my self pity and explained to a friend and colleague that I thought the surgery and the scar would be liberating. That anyone would have to like me, for me, and not care about the scar that will result. What is liberating can also become a wall that I hide behind though. I have to make sure that I don't use it as an excuse..."he/she just didn't like the way I look, the fact that my face is scarred."
But in response to my comment, my friend looked straight into my eyes and said, "I would think that at this point in your life, you should be concerned about your career and your security (trying to save for retirement." Talk about a slap in the face. Talk about opening my eyes!
I wasn't offended by her comment. In fact, I knew that she was not judging me. But as I quietly agreed with her, I realized what that quiet voice was saying, and realized that it was a lie. That my inability to speak my truth, in the face of those who see life differently, that is what's holding me back.
I have gone through the past 30 years moving my career forward by looking for opportunities and trying the next best thing that might move me forward. What I find as a result is that I'm now 30 years away from the place that I ever wanted to be. I'm not saying that it was all bad. But I've taken more steps forward for the right reason, and then fell back in place because the pressure around me was so intense and I did not stand up to it.
Her comment made me realize that she doesn't really know who I am. May be that is why I long for connection. If I've only tried to echo what surrounds me, then I'm not using my voice, to accept what might be echoed back.
So, what's holding me back? May be its the same thing that's you back? May be its time to jump in and trust that I know how to swim...because I'm tired treading water, and it surely isn't getting me where I want to be.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
I think that I'm caught in the middle of Epistemologies
Epistemology is the science of knowledge or how we look at things. What are the lenses that we use to filter what we see, and what we know?
I was working on goal setting today and found myself in the middle of two perspectives. From one, I was looking at where I am now, and setting goals for what I could accomplish in the next 7 days. From this perspective, I was very much following Kuhn's approach to scientific revolutions. I am trying to move forward, with no apparent path or destination in mind. I am just trying to move from where I am and hope that one day, my perspective will shift drastically. Hmmm. I know what it feels like to take this route, but I'm not sure that it will get me to where I need to be. I guess that I could trust in the universe, but I have never felt that my destiny should be completely out of my hands either.
The other approach that I used was to employ all my teacher training and to set the goal with the end in mind. Where do I want to be, and what are the steps that I need to take to get there? In some sense, its very behaviorist. May be, its why I cringe when I try to do this. I've never been a check the box and live within the guidelines kind of person. In fact, whenever I try to be this way, I become quite bored and frustrated.
So, what is the answer? I don't know. May be to do a little of both!!
Here's my plan for tomorrow:
- Visualize and define the big picture. Stop thinking logically, but imagine where I would love to be, if I could just set myself down somewhere.
- Then I can think about all the things that I will think, do, see, feel, etc., when I am in this next perfect situation.
- Then I can make shorter term plans to take me towards them. Probably 3 months and 1 week.
I don't feel that I am good at defining the process of working toward goals. I don't know what happens, but when I try to be too precise, usually something gets in the way. But when I set my mind to the goal and trust that it will happen, it generally does.
Does it make me feel uneasy? Sometimes. The down side is that I spend a lot of time feeling like I'm just hanging on and barely getting by. I would like to have a greater sense of accomplishment than that. The upside is that I don't spend a lot of time feeling like I'm trying to decide the exact right thing to do for my plan. I know where I want to go and trust myself to make the decision and do it. I accomplished my PhD this way, and in the time frame that I initially set for myself. And even though I've always downplayed this to others, I think it was a pretty good accomplishment!
So, which way do I go? How do I know? I don't think it matters. Because as long as I'm taking my next action and not just thinking about it, then I'm on my way somewhere!
I was working on goal setting today and found myself in the middle of two perspectives. From one, I was looking at where I am now, and setting goals for what I could accomplish in the next 7 days. From this perspective, I was very much following Kuhn's approach to scientific revolutions. I am trying to move forward, with no apparent path or destination in mind. I am just trying to move from where I am and hope that one day, my perspective will shift drastically. Hmmm. I know what it feels like to take this route, but I'm not sure that it will get me to where I need to be. I guess that I could trust in the universe, but I have never felt that my destiny should be completely out of my hands either.
The other approach that I used was to employ all my teacher training and to set the goal with the end in mind. Where do I want to be, and what are the steps that I need to take to get there? In some sense, its very behaviorist. May be, its why I cringe when I try to do this. I've never been a check the box and live within the guidelines kind of person. In fact, whenever I try to be this way, I become quite bored and frustrated.
So, what is the answer? I don't know. May be to do a little of both!!
Here's my plan for tomorrow:
- Visualize and define the big picture. Stop thinking logically, but imagine where I would love to be, if I could just set myself down somewhere.
- Then I can think about all the things that I will think, do, see, feel, etc., when I am in this next perfect situation.
- Then I can make shorter term plans to take me towards them. Probably 3 months and 1 week.
I don't feel that I am good at defining the process of working toward goals. I don't know what happens, but when I try to be too precise, usually something gets in the way. But when I set my mind to the goal and trust that it will happen, it generally does.
Does it make me feel uneasy? Sometimes. The down side is that I spend a lot of time feeling like I'm just hanging on and barely getting by. I would like to have a greater sense of accomplishment than that. The upside is that I don't spend a lot of time feeling like I'm trying to decide the exact right thing to do for my plan. I know where I want to go and trust myself to make the decision and do it. I accomplished my PhD this way, and in the time frame that I initially set for myself. And even though I've always downplayed this to others, I think it was a pretty good accomplishment!
So, which way do I go? How do I know? I don't think it matters. Because as long as I'm taking my next action and not just thinking about it, then I'm on my way somewhere!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Today I Just Couldn't Eat the Frog!
You know, eat the biggest frog first! After the big, ugly one is gone, then its all down hill from there.
I kept trying to eat the frog today. I kept trying to work on the biggest project(s). But I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't focus. So instead, I finally gave in and attacked the things that were swirling on my to-do list and in my head.
These weren't the biggest tasks, they weren't the most important tasks, but by doing this, I was able to check several tasks off my list.
Here's the benefit - by checking off the things that I could, it gave me a feeling of accomplishment. It got my endorphins going. And, it cleared my head. They cleared a path so that I was finally able to see one of the frogs, get my hands around him, and begin to strangle him! Eating some of those frogs, after all!!
I kept trying to eat the frog today. I kept trying to work on the biggest project(s). But I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't focus. So instead, I finally gave in and attacked the things that were swirling on my to-do list and in my head.
These weren't the biggest tasks, they weren't the most important tasks, but by doing this, I was able to check several tasks off my list.
Here's the benefit - by checking off the things that I could, it gave me a feeling of accomplishment. It got my endorphins going. And, it cleared my head. They cleared a path so that I was finally able to see one of the frogs, get my hands around him, and begin to strangle him! Eating some of those frogs, after all!!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Time to Live the Transformation!
Thank you Craig Ballyntine and Turbulence Training!
Today I realized there are only 120 days until the end of the year.
Thinking of what my life will be life in that short time, I had to ask myself, where will I be? Will I still have the same goals that I have today? Will my life look the same? I honestly hope not. Don't get me wrong, my current life isn't bad, but its also not the life of my dreams. So I hope that I will have made progress toward my goals at the end of the next 120 days...and have plans to continue growing forward.
So today, I added a new tab, My Transformation. There, I will post my progress toward my transformation. Part of this is entering the 18th Turbulence Training Transformation contest.
I've come a long way in the past year a half, and have a long way that I still plan to go. Keep track of my, and my progress here.
Today I realized there are only 120 days until the end of the year.
Thinking of what my life will be life in that short time, I had to ask myself, where will I be? Will I still have the same goals that I have today? Will my life look the same? I honestly hope not. Don't get me wrong, my current life isn't bad, but its also not the life of my dreams. So I hope that I will have made progress toward my goals at the end of the next 120 days...and have plans to continue growing forward.
So today, I added a new tab, My Transformation. There, I will post my progress toward my transformation. Part of this is entering the 18th Turbulence Training Transformation contest.
I've come a long way in the past year a half, and have a long way that I still plan to go. Keep track of my, and my progress here.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
In the Eye of the Hurricane, I Can Learn Something
This week, in my life, is crazy! In my "job that pays the bills" it is a very busy time. It is the week before fall classes begin and everyone and everything is a flurry of activity. At times, all of this activity comes together, swirls and swarms, like we are in the midst of a violent storm. It is very easy to get overwhelmed when this happens! But this year, unlike those previous, I have been able to take learn something...
- Take the time, when you can grab it, to breathe
- I'm in the middle of a multi-tasking nightmare. I take work calls before I take my daughter to school. I check email before my drive to work. I make follow-up calls on the drive rather than wait until arriving at the office to reply. I leave one meeting to go to another and then return to the first. I...can't...get...a...second. But wait, I can. I can STOP the building avalanche of anxiety and activity. I can take 2 minutes, I can take 5 minutes, and I can close my eyes and breathe. Initially, this time seems selfish, causing more anxiety. But if I stop, and take this time, it doesn't derail the train, but it does keep it from gaining steam.
- Figure out what you can do, and do it
- There are some things, that I can do easily and quickly. I do them. There are other things that I can create a plan and begin to follow through on the actions that I need to take to accomplish the plan. I may not be able to finish every step because of time and other obligation constraints but if I am moving forward, I am doing something. Something positive!
- Don't beat yourself up over what you can't possibly do
- For me, this is new. In fact, all of this is new. My previous pre-semester habits were to build myself into a frenzy, along with the activities around me. To acknowledge everything I was doing, I'd talk about it, or think about it...over and over. In turn, this would create anxiety and build stress as I beat myself up more and more over all the things that I "should be doing" and couldn't. ...so this year, I'm letting it go. I'm doing what I can, taking some time, and reassuring myself that I'm doing my best. I'm loving myself through it.
- Find options
- So, what about all those things that I can't get to? What do I do? One thing, I'm learning to delegate, and delegate without guilt. Giving the task to someone else and giving up the feeling that I need to control how they do it. I'm getting more off my plate, and it feels good. Its funny, the plate still fills quickly, but I'm dealing with it better. I'm also recognizing that I can't make everyone satisfied at the level they might like, but that isn't about me. And finally, for the things that I know that won't fit into this week, I'm putting them off until I can give them my attention. Through these things, I'm creating emotional time to breathe.
- Enjoy the time, because it is finite and will change
- I know that this time is traditionally my busiest time of the year. There is a lot about this time of year that I absolutely love. There is excitement about a new year, a new beginning. And I know that this time, this excitement, this business, will not last. It will move into other times, it always does. And so I'm enjoying what I can and know that it is finite and just as a hurricane does, it will move on. I just have to make sure that I've prepared and don't let the storm leave destruction as it passes...instead, I am trying to enjoy the beauty of the storm, while it is here.
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